My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
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I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.