Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
