My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
