smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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