we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
