My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
