How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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