Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
