In the future we'll all be gay
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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