my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
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We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
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Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."