Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.