Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
