My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
