there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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