The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
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