just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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