Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
