Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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