i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
