its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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