I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
