Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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