I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
