I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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