Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
