I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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