You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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