i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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