separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
