I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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