My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
