my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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