I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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