got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
