i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
