im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
