How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
