Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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