i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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