He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
