Screwed.edu
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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