I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
