I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
