last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My ATM looks so different sober.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
