it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?