she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you had me at cake vodka
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
