Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
