I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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