totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
