literally had 100 drinks last night.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
