Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
