oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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