If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
