I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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