I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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