get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
