I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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