i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
