last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
