The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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